It has taken me quite some time to write this blog. I always knew one day I would be strong & public enough to want to share it with the readers. Anyone who knows me personally knows my desire to have children. I was that woman who wanted 10 children. I've been in the education field for over 20 years. My first job was working with children. I was blessed with a son 14 years ago. I was young, I was on the move, it was “easy”. Of course life has moved on and rather quickly. Before I knew it, my desire for another child was great & immense. I decided to have a child with someone who wanted a child just as much as I did. A “love” baby! I became pregnant. I was happy beyond words. I'm healthy, I do yoga, I eat well, I meditate, I garden, I'm a practicing herbalist. I had a midwife, my sister was my doula, I was going to have a home birth. Everything was wonderful! Perfect!
At 22 weeks I was laying down at a friends house and my water bag broke. Broke! I went to the ER where I stayed on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to use the bathroom. We were attempting to hold the baby in as long as possible until he reached 24 weeks where they could give him steroids to develop his lungs faster. The dr's definitely didn't give me any hope but I was still hopeful that everything would go well. I did my morning Sadhana. I meditated. I spoke to my baby. I felt him move everyday, heard his heartbeat, I drank tons of water. Everything! One day I had a conversation with my sweet baby boy. I told him I loved him so much, he is so wanted, but if he didn't want to hold on anymore he could depart. I know that with everything in life, what is to be! will be and already is. I was his vessel to literally touch the Earth and leave. That was his Karma. That was his journey. Souls choose their parents. I believe he was to amazing for this Earth. I found solace in that.
I decided that I would not terminate him but let him come naturally however he we wanted to. I delivered him 6 days later on March 12. He came on his own accord. He was so tiny, his lungs wasn't fully developed. His heart beat for about an hour and then it stopped. I held my baby, told him again how much he was loved and wanted. I had him cremated.
My time in the hospital and talking to many nurses it was so “common”. Every nurse I encountered told me their own journey of miscarrying. No one is immune to anything. It's a part of life that happens to many women. But what I found heartbreaking were some people's response especially from older family members and acquaintances. There was a grave lack of compassion. Comments such as: “You can make more”. “What did YOU do to miscarry?” as if it was somehow my fault. “Where you doing to much” “You'll get over it, make more”. These are all disgusting things to say to a person who is grieving and it's not ok. We have to be more aware of our choice of thoughts, words and deeds. We have to become more aware of what you say and how it is affecting a person. We definitely have to learn what compassion is and how to show compassion more. One of my dearest friends came and he sat with me in silence while I just cried off and on. Sometimes just a presence without words works just as good & even better. The bereavement counselor was also wonderful. I had a child before but was totally not ready for my breastmilk to come in full blast after miscarrying. She reminded me of that and gave me some great pointers to dry it up. She talked to me with heart, because she herself had experienced multiple miscarriages. She also gave me a keepsake box with his footprint, first hat & blanket he was wrapped in. Having no baby to nurse was painful & sort of added insult to injury. I took my milk about 2 weeks to dry up and it was very painful.
What I am thankful was the preparation of my Kundalini Yoga teaching training course. I feel as though I was being prepared & being changed for this exact moment of losing my baby. The headspace I was in up to a year before I became pregnant was totally different. God was preparing me for this one moment. I'd been learning about the souls, physical body, death and dying. I was accepting of what happened. It has made me a stronger human, a stronger soul. It implored me to begin my master herbalist program. My desire to heal was strong and it was also the basis of Divine Sacred Space. I lost my son but I birthed something else. I am thankful for all my experiences. They've become part of my character & being. They've molded me and continue to mold me to become the greatest version of myself.